The Freedom I Found When I Stopped Chasing Purpose

Purpose has been on my mind a lot lately.

Find your purpose. Live it religiously. Obsess over it. Put it before your relationship.

There was a time when this felt good to me. Finding my one thing that I could lose myself in, day after day - from a place of love, or duty, or pure passion.

And I think this is still effective (and necessary) for a lot of men today. Men who are lost. Men who are wandering. Men who are floating directionless, and finding themselves alone and experiencing a life without meaning.

And yet, for me, I found myself asking for years... "is this purpose good enough? Is this meaningful enough to me? Is this what I want to do? Could I forsake everything else that I am for this one thing?" And then I would spiral into a familiar depression. So many things I wanted to do, so many things that interested me, but I had to stay on purpose. I had to be of service in one decisive way.

Two weekends ago, I was stuck in bed for four days, dealing with the effects of my chronic illnesses. On day three, I found myself frustrated - angry, even - that I was being a useless lump. "I should be doing things," I thought to myself. "Three days of nothing is a waste of a life. I should be doing something meaningful. I am a man after all. My value is in what I can produce for others."

I cycled through these thoughts over and over for hours until they stopped completely. 

Everything went quiet. 

And in that silence... a-ha! 

It struck me like lightning. 

Purpose is not something that I do. It's not something I need to work towards. It's not a thing that I am driven by or attached to. My purpose flows from my being - NOT my doing. And it shows up in a variety of ways when I am simply responding to life. Showing up fully, courageously, and authentically for whatever comes my way, if I listen deeply enough to know what is required of me. 

I have spent over thirty years experimenting, living, being humbled by life repeatedly, observing, feeling, reading, learning, applying. In this moment, on this bed, I asked myself, "at what point does the work on myself end? When is it enough? When will I be good enough to just be myself?" And I knew in that moment, I was there. 

So many things have shifted since then. In the moments when I am not "on purpose," I am now able to enjoy doing the not-so-meaningful things. I watch my shows, and I dance, and I sing, and I contemplate, and I rest, and I read and I write, and I express myself through sports, and I doom scroll (oh no, not the doom scroll). I do whatever brings me satisfaction, relaxation, expansion, or joy. Remember joy? 

I remember the heavy guilt I would feel for not being productive every minute of every day. Not having a list of at least 10 things to do, to convince myself that I didn't "waste my life" this day. The guilt around pleasure. People have forgotten that life is to be enjoyed. Celebrated. We've all gotten so serious about things. I've gotten so serious about things. And I forgot how to laugh. How to play.

So what does it look like when I am responding to life? What is the proof that I am not just drifting most of the time and offering some beautiful lip service to delude myself and you? Well, when I am responding to life, I tend to:

See people. Really see them. I mirror and recognize others when they feel unseen. I listen to, and speak on, what isn't being said, and bring understanding to the unheard.

Move closer to what's hard. I comfort a loved one or a stranger through suffering. I support during transitional periods. I provide safety, ease, and comfort.

Deepen what's already there. I deepen intimacy in my romantic relationship and friendships. I facilitate mendings between lovers and friends. I nurture with tenderness. I nourish with humor.

Cut through the fog. I provide striking insight when others are stuck. I deliver passionate wisdom and gentle guidance. I inspire alignment and authenticity.

Expand the room. I increase awareness by bringing nonjudgmental curiosity into conversation. I share transparently my inner processes. I lead as an example of what's possible.

Show up for the young. I am a big brother and father figure to the youth in my life. I mentor the lost, confused, and abandoned.

And in order to do all of this, I expand myself through experience, observation, exploration, and study, so I can show up for a variety of people with different needs.

Before this moment two weeks ago, I spent so much time searching for my "one true purpose."
That day, I recognized that it's been here all along. I was too busy looking, that I missed all the ways in which I was already living it.

That simple shift from searching out there to recognizing what's already here completely flipped my relationship with depression, inertia, indifference, and pointlessness into a kind of freedom. Freedom. Joy. Relief. Understanding. Acceptance. Play.